Book 1: Temporary Insanity
Episode 2
Venelia and Cassie
Dobie thought about following Cassie out, but remembered Ms. Trammel’s explicit orders. Wait in the lounge. Half an hour later, he could wait no longer and went in search of his cubicle, only to end up in the reception area.
Venelia stood and shouted at him from two feet away, “Hey!”
He winced.
“You were supposed to wait in the lounge.”
He gave her his best lost puppy look.
“It’s okay,” she said more softly. “I won’t tell.” Too loud again, she added, “But now I remember where I’ve seen you before!”
Dobie tensed. “Look, it was just a party. Things happen. Don’t hold it against me.”
“What are you talking about?” She shook her head and asked, “Do you ever hang out on Hollywood Boulevard?”
Hollywood Boulevard conjured up images of hookers, transvestites and drug addicts. “Not as a rule, no.”
“I sold you a book!” she said cheerfully.
“Huh?” he stared blankly.
“Dynametrics: The Metric Science of Human Dynamics,” she replied. “Remember?”
He did remember. Its followers called themselves Dynamos. He would have preferred her as a transvestite. He only bought the book to make her go away.
~ ~ ~
It was a couple of months ago when Dobie and his now-ex-girlfriend, Kim, were in one of their reconciliation phases, strolling hand-in-hand down Hollywood Boulevard, doing the town, when Dobie noticed something coming at them from out of the darkness. Concerned for her safety, he valiantly pushed Kim out of harm’s way – into the gutter, unfortunately – and instinctively reached behind to protect his wallet.
When Venelia Dumas came fully into view Dobie realized her intent was not to rob him but to sell him one of those stupid Dynamo books. Since he had his hand on his wallet anyway, he bought a copy and told her to go away. Checking out his new purchase, he flipped the book over. The childish cover art – a poorly-drawn man surrounded by star bursts and a halo – a human dynamo, he supposed – evoked disdain.
“Hey babe,” he turned to Kim, “look at this stupid....” He stopped when he saw her getting back up and wiping herself off. She had the most hateful look. She was not unattractive, except when making that face.
Through clenched teeth, she seethed, “It’s a good thing you bought that book, Dobie.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because now you’ll have something to do the rest of the night. You and I are through!” She marched two blocks back to their car while Dobie bounced up and down alongside her, apologizing.
When they reached the car, she flung the door open, jumped in, and snapped, “Give me your keys!”
He handed her the entire set, including the apartment and mailbox keys, which he now regretted. He felt bad for pushing her into the gutter but thought he was protecting her from a mugger. It was heroic, but she never gave him the chance to explain.
The tires squealed as she gunned the engine and pulled out. In the wake of her exhaust and bits of gravel, he watched her disappear into the night, knowing it was forever this time.
He spent that night on the neighbor’s couch. The next morning he found his car – with the keys in the ignition – sitting in its assigned parking spot. It was a miracle it hadn’t been stolen.
Kim was long gone.
~ ~ ~
“So, how do you like it?” Venelia was asking now, hoping for an endorsement.
“What!?” Dobie jumped.
“How do you like the book?”
“Oh,” he searched for words, “it has... an interesting cover.” And he hurried off in the direction of his desk.
~ ~ ~
Several hours later on his way for his fourth or fifth cup of coffee, Dobie took a detour into the office supply room. He liked to keep up with the latest office supplies technology. Maybe steal a few pens.
He was in the pen and pencil section, inspecting the inventory, when he noticed Smoking Hot Girl next to the pencil sharpener, watching him. Was this where she worked? Not a mere secretary, she was in charge of office supplies, too.
She looked good. Even better now that he was wide awake and able to focus.
He played it cool, checking out this box of staples and that box of paper clips, biding his time for the right moment to make his move. After long and deep internal consultation, he came up with, “So, what’s your name?”
Brilliant, he berated himself.
“Cassie,” she eyed him warily.
“Dobie....” he began, taking a wary step forward, only to be interrupted by one of the firm’s lawyers entering the room.
“Hey, Cass,” said the newcomer.
“Chad,” she smiled coolly.
Lawyers reminded Dobie of car salesmen. The only difference between the two professions, as far as he was concerned, was their level of formal education. The worst thing was that they were almost always movie-star good looking. The young ones like Chad, anyway. Tall, chiseled, not a hair out of place.
How am I supposed to get a girl with these guys running around?
His only consolation was knowing that those who made a life-long career of lawyering usually ended up looking like gargoyles.
Ignoring Dobie, Chad eyeballed Cassie and flashed a wolfish grin. She smiled back and, while Dobie looked on jealously, began some sort of mating ritual.
First, she stuck the end of a pencil in her mouth and bit lightly on the eraser, spinning it ever so gently with her fingertips. Chad said something. Cassie said something back, then thrust her hips to the right and wobbled her foot, left to right.
Any minute now, she’ll start doing the hokey pokey.
Just when Dobie thought she’d finished her dance, she added a gentle caressing and massaging of the pencil sharpener, slowly moving her hand back and forth across the top, around the sides and down the stem. It was the most erotic use of a pencil sharpener Dobie had ever seen.
“Tonight. 7:30?” the lawyer said simply, confidently.
“Make it 8 o’clock,” she said, almost yanking the pencil sharpener off its base, “and it’s a date.”
The lawyer nodded, smiled and glided toward the exit. Stopping to grab a handful of pens, he smirked at Dobie and said, “And that’s how it’s done.”
Dobie knew how it was done but, being a temp – the new guy – he didn’t come right out and call him an asshole. “First time you got it right?” Dobie smirked. “Congratulations.”
Chad gave an open mouth glare back and walked away.
~ ~ ~
With the lawyer gone and her hand still on the pencil sharpener, Cassie slowly returned her attention to Dobie. She looked flushed.
Dobie tried to duck out without a word, but ran into Venelia Dumas, literally, in the doorway.
“Hey, watch where you’re going!” she shrieked.
“Sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”
“I just said that.”
“Yeah, okay,” Dobie replied vaguely and attempted to get past her and out the door. She grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him roughly to one side. She was almost as tall as him, and much stronger than she looked. He might have fought back but was raised to never hit a girl. Besides, he was taken by surprise, was still hungover, not at his best.
Even his ex never did this. Probably would have if she could, but she was small and slight of build. He glanced over at Cassie for help, but none was forthcoming. She watched with amusement as Venelia bandied him about.
Venelia abruptly let go of his shirt and apologized for her outburst. “I’m sorry. I’ve been under some stress lately.”
Dobie mumbled, “Oh, it was nothing.” And, not wanting to excite her further, he refrained from straightening out his shirt or making any other sudden moves.
“Well, I just wanted to apologize.”
“It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again,” he made a nervous stab at humor.
Bad move.
Venelia’s back stiffened, her arm shot out with lightning speed, and again she gripped his arm with all her strength as a snarl contorted her face.
Wincing with pain, Dobie said, “Kidding! Just kidding!” To prove it, he laughed. It was forced and his voice croaked slightly. But it was a laugh, and she fell for it.
She loosened her grip, and, in a stilted, halting sort of way, she laughed too. They were laughing together now. Even Cassie giggled.
They were laughing as one. They were all one with the universe! That’s what Venelia thought, anyway. Dobie just wanted to get out of there.
“Let’s go to an event tonight!” she suggested excitedly, now that they were all so chummy. Cassie quickly turned away and pretended to take inventory of her many office supplies.
“An event?” Dobie asked. “What kind of event?” He could guess it was one of her Dynamo functions.
“Oh, a bunch of friends just get together and talk and stuff.” She tried to make it sound like a party. A boring party.
He edged his way toward the door. “I can’t make it tonight,” he lied. “Cassie and I have plans. Maybe some other time?”
“In your dreams,” Cassie laughed as he escaped down the hall. With him gone, she said to Venelia, “I have plans, and he might have plans. But, trust me, they are not together.”
Venelia nodded. That made more sense.
~ ~ ~
Once home from work, Dobie heated up a can of beef stew and scarfed it down. Flipping the TV on, he came upon a Love Connection/Dating Game type of show that he never watched. He flipped past it, only to return after catching a glimpse of a woman who looked just like Kim, his ex-girlfriend.
With his mouth agape, Dobie realized it was his ex-girlfriend. This woman just continued to haunt him. He watched in horror as she happily explained to the show’s smarmy host how a date once pushed her into the gutter and left her there.
“I didn’t just leave you there!” Dobie stood up and shouted at the television.
“The worst date of my life,” she added with a sigh. The studio audience sighed with her.
“That’s horrible,” the game show host empathized. “I’m sure the man you pick tonight can do better!” Dobie’s ex and her audience heartily agreed.
Dobie switched the television off. He didn’t want to see who her next date would be. He felt sick. As if things weren’t bad enough, now she was embarrassing him on national television.
He couldn’t stand it. He needed to see who she picked. He flipped the TV back on and instantly regretted it. She picked a disgustingly handsome Greek god-type – probably a lawyer – as if to say, “See, Dobie? I only date gorgeous men now. I’m so much better off now.”
He knew that he was better off but didn’t want her feeling good about it. She was supposed to mourn his loss for the rest of her dating life.
He needed to talk to someone. Anyone. His friends Cheryl and Christian — on whose couch he had spent that fateful night — were out. They were leaving as he came home.
Digging out his little black book, he made a few calls. Several voicemails later, he came to the unhappy conclusion that he didn’t have a friend in the world. None available, anyway.
He grabbed his favorite black leather jacket, hustled out the front door, jumped into his car, and wandered aimlessly along the never-ending Los Angeles freeway system. It was something to do.
He ended up on Hollywood Boulevard in front of the Dynamo Center, Venelia Dumas’s church. As luck would have it, there was an open parking spot right in front. She would later say this was proof that their lives were cosmically intertwined.